


Sex Ed for Superheroes

by storiesfortravellers



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Confusion, Crack, Humor, Kinks, M/M, Man Out of Time, Sex Education
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-19
Updated: 2012-08-19
Packaged: 2017-11-12 11:12:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/490248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storiesfortravellers/pseuds/storiesfortravellers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crack!fic about Steve trying to research what sex is like in the 21st Century.</p><p>For this prompt at avengerkink: "Steve has a conversation with someone and discusses the difference between sex in the present day and in the 40s. It can be a deliciously porny or decidedly awkward conversation. Go wild!"</p><p>Warning: Steve is open-minded but sometimes has old-fashioned responses and is occasionally kind of intimidated by some kinks. But only some. </p><p>Also, a lot of the Avengers think ridiculous things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sex Ed for Superheroes

Steve did a lot of research on the Internet. They all thought is was strange, how much he liked it, but it was pretty handy to have the history and culture of the decades he missed all available on the reading device that SHIELD gave him. He wanted to be able to function in this century.

He also, though he hadn't told anyone about this exactly, wanted at some point to be able to date. 

So he also tried to find out about sex on the Internet, but that research was more difficult. He read the wikipedia entry on sex, and that wasn't too bad, but then the other sources he found were mostly sites that you had to pay for that showed pictures of things called dp1h or dp2h. He also thought it was weird that nobody in the present would talk about race, but in porn, they would sometimes advertise nothing but the race and age of the participants. He thought it was very, very weird.

There was another reason he didn't think online pornography was a good educational tool: he asked Clint if pornography on the Internet was a good way to find out what a hypothetical date might expect of him. Clint started laughing, so Steve took that as a no.

Steve decided to ask Bruce next, since he seemed very nice and discreet. Bruce explained to him that it wasn't like in the old days, and that maybe in the 1940's every man had unprotected sex with prostitutes but that's considered unsafe today because there are these things called condoms. 

"We had condoms in my time," Steve said testily. Okay, he was a virgin, but he knew about the existence of condoms.

"Oh. And you know, women are liberated now. They won't just smile if you um, you know, don't satisfy them. And women like to be treated with respect."

"You think men of my generation didn't care about making women happy in bed? Or treating them with respect?" Steve said, insulted. Every time he turned on the news, there was some politician implying that American women were sexually promiscuous and that was somehow causing all the problems in society. Steve seriously doubted any of those men had been virgins when married. There was a time when Steve could have punched a guy for saying things like that. There was also a time when he would have been able to watch Peggy punch a guy for that.

Bruce apologized, and said that he assumed Steve's time was a lot like the television show, 'Mad Men.' 

Steve just sighed and thought about his other options for information.

He tried Natasha, but she just stared at him when he asked her to explain it. "Not my job," she said, and went back to cleaning her knives.

Thor knew even less than Steve, most likely. 

Clint had already laughed at him.

With great trepidation, he asked Tony.

Tony was excited and flattered and rapidly started drawing diagrams.

"I know how the mechanics work, Tony. I'm asking how it's different now. Like, culturally, what the expectations are. In case I ever want to..."

"Oh," Tony said, giving him a grin, "Thinking of anyone in particular?"

"No. I just want-"

"Information. Sure." Tony excitedly gave him an overview of sex in the 21st Century, and what would be expected of a sexually knowledgeable and sophisticated man in this day and age.

It felt like when Steve found all that Internet porn.

So apparently, different pubic hair styles (people style it now?) have different names. Everyone has tried five dozen positions, and the reverse cowgirl is everyone's favorite. The cleveland steamer is best left for the third date. Rimming etiquette requires cleanliness but not an enema. Threesomes are out right now; foursomes are in. Electricity play should only be done with a strong understanding of the physics behind it. Sex generally involves costumes and special equipment that people can be tied to. Tony can also arrange for zero-gravity sex on a high-altitude flight if that's something Steve is into. Scuba sex sounds good but is actually not practical with all that equipment. Nobody is satisfied with real penises since everyone uses their 10-inch dildo every night. And everyone swallows. Always.

Steve was starting to think Tony's perspective wasn't everyone's. He thought that, even in the 21st century, going on a date and just assuming they want to have a foursome -- while tied to a rack while someone rubs feces on them -- is just a good way to get slapped. 

So, with great reluctance, Steve asked Coulson. 

Not that Coulson wasn't a great handler. It's just ... the small matter of what Tony called "Coulson's fanboy hardon for Steve."

Not that Steve felt threatened. But he had never been all that comfortable with adulation, and Coulson would occasionally say things that made Steve... uncomfortable. 

He didn't really want to ask Coulson to teach him about sex. But he was running out of options. 

Steve blushed and stammered but finally got the question out.

Coulson looked thoughtful. Steve was grateful that Coulson didn't laugh or give him lewd grins like almost everyone else did. 

When Couson asked why he didn't ask his team, Steve explained why. 

Finally, Coulson asked if he could download some books into Steve's reader. 

Steve said yes and thanked him. Then he spent all night awake and reading.

Steve learned a lot. 

He read Savage Love, Yes Means Yes, Female Chauvinist Pigs, Opening Up, The Ethical Slut, and The Guide to Getting It On. It was interesting to read how different people's experiences were, but also how they weren't always so different from Steve's time in terms of people's underlying needs. It was comforting to feel less... clueless. And less ashamed.

The next day, he came to the team meeting. 

"Sorry if I was, um, insensitive about that thing you asked me," Bruce said.

"Okay."

"Sorry if I slightly exaggerated my sex life," Tony mumbled, "I was just trying to sound appealing to you."

 _Is that what was going on?_ Steve thought.

"Sorry I laughed at your totally hilarious question," Clint said with a smirk.

"Wait, why is everyone suddenly sorry? Was there like a memo about this or something?" Steve asked.

"Yes," Thor said. "Son of Couls sent it out. It was very confusing. We are supposed to be symphathetic to the sexual aspect of your time leap and not use it as an opportunity to mock you, make ridiculous assumptions about you, or scare you with horrifying propositions of flying sex. But I have done none of these things. I feel that the memo was sent to me very unfairly."

"Also, it's not my job to explain sex to you," Natasha added, as she fiddled dangerously with her holster.

"Yeah, I got that. And also, I kind of hate Coulson right now. Even if he did give me some good books."

Their ears perked up. Coulson gave Steve sex books?

"What kind of books?"

Steve listed them. 

"Ugh, too much reading," Clint said. "I'll just ask you if I want to know something."

The rest of the Avengers agreed. 

Steve hoped that this would be the end of this horrifyingly awkward conversation.

~~~~~

A few weeks later, Steve had a chance to talk to Coulson alone without drawing attention.

"Thanks again for all those books. But since I read them, it's gotten... kind of weird."

"Weird how?"

"It's like, now all the team members are asking me for information about stuff like this. Like I'm the expert."

Coulson just smiled. "Good. It's about time they started learning some mature perspectives on human sexuality." 

"I'm the sex expert, and I haven't ever been on a date!" Steve said in exasperation, and immediately turned red, wishing he could take it back.

Coulson just acted like being a virginal sex advice guru for superheroes was a very typical complaint and nodded sympathetically. He paused, then decided to clue Steve in: "Steve, your whole team has been flirting with you. Just ... they do it in their own very personal style."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Wow."

"Yeah."

"Okay. I guess that explains some things. Thanks, Coulson."

"Sure. But, if you marry Tony some day, I want to be in the wedding party. On your side. I can give you away if you like."

Steve nodded before backing away. Great handler, great sex advisor. Still creepy.


End file.
